Here are a few methods that I found to give yourself an idea of what parenting will be like, or to make you smile with recognition if you have already taken the plunge.
Women: To Prepare For Maternity …
Put on a dressing gown and stick a pillowcase filled with beans down the front.
Leave it there for 9 months.
After nine months, take out 10 percent of the beans.
Drink a litre of water.
Do not go to the bathroom for 24 hours, or
Go to the bathroom every 3-5 minutes with no regard to the “amount” you have deposited.
Either way you will get a good sense of what “bloatation” is like.
Men: To Prepare For Paternity …
Go to the local chemist/drug store –
- Tip the contents of your wallet on the counter
- Tell the pharmacist to help himself
- Then go to the supermarket.
- Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.
- Go home.
- Pick up the paper.
- Read it for the last time.
Before You Stop Using Birth Control …
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are already parents and berate them about their –
- Methods of discipline
- Lack of patience
- Appallingly low tolerance levels
- Allowing their children to run wild.
Suggest ways in which they might improve –
- Their child’s sleeping habits
- Toilet training
- Table manners and,
- Overall behavior.
Enjoy it — it will be the last time in your life that you will have all the answers.