Relationships are sometimes challenging … instead of getting too serious, why not take a lighter look at life and have a laugh about the way we relate to each other.
The Five Secrets to a Great Relationship
- It is important to find a partner who works around the house, occasionally cooks and cleans, and who has a job.
- It is important to find a partner who makes you laugh.
- It is important to find a partner who is dependable and doesn’t lie.
- It is important to find a partner who’s good in bed and who loves to have sex with you.
- It is extremely important that these four people never meet.
The Man’s Guide to Female English
We need = I want
It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
You’re…so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You’re certainly attentive tonight! = Is sex all you ever think about?
I’m not emotional! And I’m not overreacting! = I’ve got my period
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper …
I need wedding shoes = the other 40 pairs are the wrong shade of white
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you’re not going to like
I’ll be ready in a minute = kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
Yes = No
No = No
Maybe = No
I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry
Do you like this recipe? = It’s easy to fix so you’d better get used to it
I’m not yelling! = Yes I’m yelling because I think it’s important
All we’re going to buy is a soap dish = It goes without saying that we’re stopping at the cosmetics department, the shoe department, I need to look at a few purses, and those sheets would look great in the bedroom and did you bring your check book?
The Woman’s Guide to Male English
I’m hungry = I’m hungry
I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy
I’m tired = I’m tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What’s wrong? = I don’t see why you’re making such a big deal out of this
What’s wrong? = what meaningless, self inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
What’s wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let’s have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it … we’d better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = I liked it better before
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = $50 and it doesn’t look that much different!
Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
I like that one better (while shopping) = Pick any frigging dress and let’s get out of here.