Hasn’t the way we date and relate to each other changed significantly over the last few decades? I’m convinced that the “dating” mechanism needs to be re-written to accommodate for the changing times and changing needs of relationships. Many people are now prepared to go to the far reaches of the earth in search of a compatible match … let’s accept that and come up with solutions.
I have experienced meeting new people through singles events, introductions by friends, while out and about, newspaper advertisements and on the Internet (on other forums, just through email connection and on RSVP – the biggest Internet dating site in Australia). 99% of these meetings have been a positive experience for me, but I have very strict guidelines that I adhere to that ensures I have sufficiently checked out the other persons character, compatibility and intentions. But, one of the most important aspects, is to get clear about what we are wanting to find in another person in the first place.
Let me give you MY STEPS. I don’t expect they will be right for everyone, yet they work for me.
1. What Are You Looking For? Answer this question very carefully. It provides the foundation for what you will attract into your life. What are your intentions…are you looking for a friendship, a playmate a travel companion, a life partner, a penpal, a sexual partner or are you just seeking attention or ‘testing the waters’? If your answer is wishy-washy your results will be wishy-washy. This is the most basic step, yet the one that is the most ignored.
2. Get clear about the qualities you would like to find in a partner. Use the method given in the article Three Steps To Knowing Who’s Right For You. This is such an important step. If you are waiting for divine intervention or relying on luck, karma or destiny, these steps will go a long way to ensure you will attract the person you really desire, not some unconscious need based on healing past hurts.
3. When you meet someone who is a POTENTIAL match, commit to going on three dates. We are only looking for POTENTIAL at this time – not perfection…that takes time to determine.
The First Date
– needs to have a time limit of approx 1 to 1 and a half hours. It could even be a telephone date or a chat room date as well as a live-in person date, but is usually over a cup of coffee in a very public place. Why? The reason we arrange a meeting in a public place should be obvious to you, but how many people fail this recommendation and get caught in something they hadn’t planned on. The time spent is important too. Take LESS time and you risk judging the person on superficial criteria. Give them a chance to get to know you and for you to know them better. We all present a different, acceptable, face to strangers…take MORE time and you run the risk of getting too comfortable too quickly. Some people might let down their ‘cautious nature’ (which is part of us for a reason) and begin to trust someone they don’t even know properly yet. This often manifests as “let’s go back to my place where we can be really comfortable”…your wisdom has just been replaced by a false sense of security.
– Approx 2 to 2 and a half hours…enough time for dinner, a nice picnic, a long walk or something that gives you time to TALK. A nightclub wouldn’t be a good idea for obvious reasons. Make sure you keep to the time limit … after 2 hours or so, most of us tend to get a little ‘niggly’ maybe even argumentative. We have just used up a lot of our energy to put forward our most positive side. We are emotionally and mentally at our limit and we are with someone we hardly know and are not able to relax and be completely ourselves. There is nothing wrong with showing our best side…it is an important and necessary part of the dating process, but we need to take ‘time out’ from this person and come back together for our third date where we can relax a lot more.
– Half a day … enough time for a long drive, visit a winery, do an activity you both like or even something you haven’t tried before. Whatever it is, you will know if you are beginning to bond with this person. John Gray (the best selling author of Men Are From Mars Women Are From Venus) says that the third date is the one men become the most relaxed and talkative. If you aren’t beginning to bond in terms of a relationship, you will have had the chance to establish a friendship. This is the main reason I always recommend three dates. Everyone has both positive and negative sides. If you are interested enough to go out with them for one date, be interested enough to form the basis for a friendship. If they turn out NOT to be compatible in other areas, you have just treated someone with respect and probably made a new friend. If they ARE compatible, you have just built a foundation that sets the scene for what is yet to come. Either way, everyone wins.
There is one more thing I’d like to add. Following these recommendations helps to develop passion as well as trust and safety. Some people might think they are manufactured and fake, and in some ways they are, but I call them “Using Our Wisdom“. I have recommended these steps to many people. I have had feedback as to their effectiveness. Test them out to see if they work for you …
… and we will let the results speak for themselves.